ripstudwell:

officer, I know I was speeding but technically u were too so I’m gonna have to arrest u please step out of the vehicle

(Source: nishlo, via tipslip)

If you won’t sing in the car with me when we drive, we can’t be friends

(Source: overdosed, via perks-of-being-chinese)

condorn:

“are you athletic” haha yeah i wear sports bras sometimes lmao

(Source: condom, via tipslip)

xpw:

so today at work I cleaned this old man’s golf clubs and I thought he was getting his wallet out of his bag but instead he pulls out this giant plastic target bag of yellow plums. he tipped us in yellow plums. he told us not to tell anyone we had these and I looked them up because they were so good and these plums are illegal in the US. I got tipped in illegally imported plums. 

(via the-lonely-cat-lady)

ridge:

do you ever pretend like you didn’t see something so the other person doesn’t feel embarrassed 

(via tipslip)